Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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