I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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