the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize