if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
