If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
