He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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