He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
