My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
