Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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