I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
