ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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