I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
