what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
