I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
