Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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