Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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