I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
