Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You were trust falling into bushes
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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