I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
