we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
