i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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