We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
