Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
try to milk me bitch
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
