i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
