party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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