I heard we made out
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
