In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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