Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
