i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
