when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
