He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
