Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
