theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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