Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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