the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
