your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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