dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
