I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
