I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
