The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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