If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
