I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
