i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize