I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
