i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
