am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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