I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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