Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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