I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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