I smell stomach acid.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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