Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She told me I should be a condom model.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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