Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
