you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
