We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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