if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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