I will die if light touches me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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