I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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