Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
