Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
