I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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