Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
