oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
