a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
