My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
