dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
