I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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