I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
