i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
