ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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