Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
