I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize