The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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