He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
