Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
