The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
