My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
