Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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