there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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